Things I Hate (For No Good Reason… and Some Actually Solid Ones)

A list of all the interior things which fill me with rage.

I’m in a particularly narky mood. It could be the lack of sleep, the Everest of responsibility crushing me, or the small fact the world is basically a hostile, flaming bin fire. If I actually went into how I really feel, I’d dissolve into ugly crying, and frankly, nobody wants to read that.

So instead, I’m going to do something completely ridiculous and channel all that rage and despair into something harmless: a list of interiors things that piss me off. Because yes, the world is ending — but also, faux plants are still out there, and someone has to say it.

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1. Black Work Surfaces

On paper? Gorgeous. Sleek, moody, masculine. In reality? Every crumb, fingerprint, and dust particle shows up to steal the show. You wipe it down, turn around, and boom — it’s filthy again. If you do want a darker work surface, try a heavier veined one which is more forgiving.

Photo by armin djuhic on Unsplash

2. Edison Bulbs

I fucking hate bare bulbs. Hate them. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a flaming homosexual, have eyesight issues, or simply hate being assaulted by light — but if I can see the bulb, it’s all I can focus on. Lighting should be diffused, ambient, flattering. Not “would you like to feel interrogated whilst sipping a flat white?” Stop hanging naked bulbs in cafés and calling it ambience. It’s not ambience, it’s a migraine.

3. Scaffold Boards

I know, I know: reusing materials is good, sustainable even. But no matter how much you sand, oil, or “design” with them, scaffold boards never transcend scaffold-board-ness. They are what they are, and what they are is ugly. Can’t explain it, don’t want to. It’s an irrational hatred, but one I feel in my bones.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

4. Made.com Velvet Sofas

Look, I actually like Made.com. I’ve bought from them numerous times over the year, their designs are accessible, stylish, and priced sensibly. But the velvet sofas? Well…. They look divine when new, but the fabric wears incredibly fast and there was a period on Instagram where every home account was littered with them for a few years — and you could literally watch the decline in the seat post by post. People will swear theirs is fine, but people lie…and I have eyes.

Photo by Phillip Goldsberry on Unsplash

5. Micro Cement

I respect it: it’s practical, durable, minimal. But do I want to shower in what looks like a prison cubicle? Absolutely not. Bathrooms should feel special — luxurious even. The place you wash the self-loathing of the day away should not look like solitary confinement. Life is hard enough without washing yourself in a concrete bunker.

Photo by Steven Ungermann on Unsplash

6. Faux Plants & Flowers

I can spot them a mile off. They don’t fool anyone. And worse, they’re a middle finger to nature: “let’s recreate the very thing that gives us oxygen… in petrochemicals!” Absolutely not. The floral industry is problematic (yes, I wrote a dissertation on it), but plastic blooms that will sit in landfill until the apocalypse? No. No. No.

Photo by Devilz . on Unsplash

7. Karate chopped cushions.

So here is a little story, settle down kids…

The reason the karate chop exists is because back in the original department stores, sales associates would do this on their display cushions to showcase the finest feather filled inners that could hold their shape. In a nut shell, it was to show that you could afford the good stuff. Now we do it to be obnoxious. Pack it in.

Photo by Karthik Sridasyam on Unsplash

8. Open Plan Spaces

Not all of them — but most. And it’s not even the concept that’s the problem, it’s the execution. Nine times out of ten it’s: soulless box, grid of 1,000 recessed spotlights (because apparently you’re about to perform surgery), and no sense of personality. It’s supposed to be “flowing and free.” Instead it’s echoey and empty. I’m more of a “broken plan” fan — walls, nooks, character. Give me layers, not blank canvas.

Photo by Steven Ungermann on Unsplash

9. Farrow & Ball Paint

Now, this one might get me in trouble but I’m already blacklisted from a few paints brands so whats one more. The brand? Gorgeous heritage, beautiful colour library, aspirational fan decks, an all around strong brand. The paint itself? A nightmare if I’m honest, and I’m saying this from personal experience. Hard to use, doesn’t last, and after working with decorators for 10 years I’m yet to find one that has a good thing to say about it. I asked around on instagram, and nine out of ten people just colour-match the shade elsewhere. Their colour consultants and designers, experts, brilliant people with a huge amount of knowledge. But when word on the street stops people buying? Well, thats a real shame.

Photo by Theme Photos on Unsplash

This is just my humble opinion and you might disagree which is fine, we all have different tastes. But don’t invite me over for a cup of tea as I get an eye twitch which I would like to keep under wraps…

So I think thats enough career damaging takes for one day. Made.com, F&B, I look forward to your cease and desist letters.